Kirsch's Ultimate Lists

Top 10 NBA Beards of All Time

I was thinking about doing the Top 10 Cinematic Pairs of Tits of All Time, and that list may come later (I think we all know who #1 is), but ultimately I decided that this list ranking great (and a bonus list ranking really, really not-great) NBA beards would be, you know, not quite as blatantly misogynistic, so I’m moving forward on this front first.

Also, in my painstaking research, I realized one very fascinating truism of Great Basketball Beard lineage: centers and forwards have the coolest beards pretty much always (except for Guess Who at #9, and Guess Who Else at #5).

10. Karl Malone — The Mailman may have delivered one of the most well-kept goatees of all time — a fine, thin confection that just emphasized what immaculate care Karl Malone took (and, obviously, still takes) of his body. Look at that photo. Fucking LOOK AT IT. Not a hair is out of place. It’s like he’s a fucking superhuman basketball robot. Except for his inexplicable 4th quarter meltdowns in NBA Finals games. But we won’t talk about that here.

9. Baron Davis — Of all the BD beard eras, I think his beard peaked right after he signed that lucrative deal with the Los Angeles Clippers (I think this would have been  ’07?), when he started going to all these LA parties dressed like he was in a black Weezer cover band.

Fucking sick. Also this.

8. Joakim Noah — Now, like Rick Morrisey before me, I assumed upon Jo’s drafting that he would be, at best, a serviceable back-up big man. Also, this is what my much more basketball savvy brother assured me would happen. Despite Noah’s being the centerpiece of the two-time NCAA champ Florida Gators. His beard at the time of his drafting was just as dispiriting as his seersucker tweed suit. And then, in the 2009 playoffs against the Boston Celtics, his game started to come together. And his beard got sick. Now he’s just fucking awesome.

7. Kareem Abdul-Jabbaar — Kareem was just really, really fucking cool. The most dominant center of his time, he figured out that through crazy things like stretching and maintaining a proper diet, he could push his career far beyond its accepted expiration date. Dude logged 20 quality seasons in the league, and while his beard, full and righteous and enlightened with yoga enzymes, may have peaked in the ’70s, his game lasted all the way through till 1990. 

6. Artis Gilmore  — This superstar ABA/NBA center for the Kentucky Colonels and the Bulls was finally rewarded with a Hall of Fame berth last year, making the 2011 HoF class down in Springfield (comprising Gilmore, Rodman — an honorable-mention Great Beard possessor — and Tex Winter, among others) excessively Bulls-centric. Anyway, the 7’2” Gilmore was able to cultivate a mega-sick goatee-and-fro combo at a time when that was pretty much the coolest style option going.

5.  Walt Frazier — His beard is SO sick that even today it is featured on the box for Hair Coloring For Men at your local CVS or Walmart. LOOK AT THOSE FUCKIN CHOPS.

4. Bill Russell — That beard has won 11 fucking championships. 11 FUCKING CHAMPIONSHIPS, SON. Also, it aged really super mega-gracefully.

Check out this celebratory, champagne- and championship-drenched beard at the peak of its owner’s powers (note, too, that it is much thinner and jazzier, in keeping with established early ’60s beard precedents):

The beard in winter:

3. Kevin Love — I was pretty against K-Love’s beard in his first three seasons in the league, when he was clearly a very, very talented player but also a little stocky and slow. He got himself in superior shape over the lockout-extended summer of 2011, playing mixed-doubles volleyball (awesome), and at last it appears that he has permanently retired the Limp Bizkit chin-strap beard in favor of a thicker, more metal-looking attack.

2. Pat Riley — In my list of the 5 Shittiest NBA Beards of All Time, you will witness a Mountain Man beard motif gone to regrettable seed ‘pon the face of one of the greatest centers ever (I’ll let you find out for yourself who I’m talking about, but he played for Portland. And if you think that more than one great center played for Portland, I have one thing to say to you: Sam Bowie and Greg Oden don’t count, sorry). Beards 2 and 1, however, belong to two retired role-player front-court hoopers who prioritized defense in their playing and coaching days and wrote a shit-ton of best-selling books about how awesome they are at coaching.

But what those books fail to mention is these two players’ gritty roles as not just defensively-oriented basketball players, but also as defensively-oriented Grizzly Adams lifestyle purveyors. And really, really righteous beards are a staple and hallmark of that lifestyle just as much as anything else.

1. Phil Jackson — The root of his greatness (13 rings total, 11 as a coach — the most all-time in the NBA) can be found in a thick, symmetrical, well-kept Viking brown-and-blonde beard. Notice that even at this early stage, PJ was on a team that was fundamentally opposed to everything Pat Riley’s team stood for (Riley’s Lakers and Jackson’s Knicks split their two meetings in the NBA Finals in ‘72 and ‘73, respectively). The only thing they really had in common, besides being solid-but-unspectacular 6th-man forwards, was their awesome beards. Jackson’s, as usual, was just a little better.

Obviously you need a bonus list of the Top 5 Shittiest NBA Facial Hair Choices (“Beards” is too narrow-minded a parameter) of All Time. All the facial hair choices have been given names (i.e. “Lockout David Stern”) because, obviously, they didn’t last too long on their owners’ faces (except for, inexplicably, #’s 4 and 1). 

5. The “Lockout David Stern ‘99” — There’s a reason he didn’t bring this hilarious thing back for the 2011 NBA lockout redux.

4. The “Fat Vince Carter” Beard — As Bill Simmons so astutely noticed, the Fat Vince Carter Beard is the thing you grow when you come to training camp 20 pounds overweight and it shows on your face unless you grow a hilariously off-kilter beard.

3. The “Hippy Bill Walton” Chin Beard — I have some friends who, bless their little hearts, just can’t pull off beards. If I was friends with Bill Walton, he would certainly be my tallest friend who just can’t pull off a beard. But, god damn it, he just can’t pull off a beard. Thankfully, he has stopped trying in the last 30-odd years. Notice how very little facial hair in this picture actually made it to his FACE, and is instead sort of settling along the periphery of his jaw.

2. The “Crazy Gilbert Arenas” Chin Beard — This is happened when Agent Zero came back to the Wizards after serving a 50-game suspension when he pulled a gun in the Washington locker room on Javaris Crittenton. To be fair, Crittenton is currently awaiting trial for a murder charge, so, you know, he sucks, too — but his facial hair is hardly offensive in the way that this gross neck growth was. Thankfully, upon his trade to the Orlando Magic, the Crazy Gilbert Chin Beard was happily aborted from his face. Though, at press time, Gilbert is still crazy.

1. The “Drew Gooden” Face — This picture below is just an example of what he did when he was with the Bulls, but this lackluster big has conned his way into lucrative contracts with egregiously flashy, ill-advised facial hair choices. His face is currently bothering everybody on the Milwaukee Bucks.

Ranking The Films of 2011

This author has seen 40 movies from 2011 thus far. This list will be updated as said author watches more 2011 flicks, but here’s how it stands now.

BAM:

1.“The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo” (David Fincher) **** — A surprisingly great movie. I had no idea it was going to be this stark and brutal and… fun going into it. DP Jeff Cronenweth hit this out of the fucking park. Chris Gonzalez was totally not into this.

2. “Drive” (Nicholas Winding Refn) **** — My biggest qualm with it at first was that its plot was relatively threadbare and insubstantial. But then I realized that the plot was entirely beside the point; obviously, the plot is familiar, and the film by necessity acknowledges (and to a minimal extent plays with) certain genre trappings and tropes — but the movie is not about what it’s about, it’s about how it’s about what it’s about (to paraphrase Roger Ebert). In its gorgeous visual and aural ambience, “Drive” stands a alone, a neo-futurist ’80s-retro slab of meditative mega-violence. Yes, it’s silly and a little dumb. But so what? It’s the coolest movie I’ve seen all year. Chris Gonzalez totally did not like this.

3. “The Skin I Live In” (Pedro Almodovar) **** — WOAH. This movie was fucking great. And FUCKED UP. It’s exactly the kind of thing I would want to make if I was Spanish and best friends with Antonio Banderas. It’s an adult mad-scientist movie with adult scenarios and repercussions, and I mean that in the best way: it has a pragmatic gravity and depth of feeling, like “Frankenstein” meets “American Psycho” meets “Matador.“ Fucking great. Deeply disturbing. Great.

5. “Conan O’Brien Can’t Stop” (Rodman Fledner)  *** ½ — Conan is like the Michael Jordan of comedians in his hyper-competitive, I-have-to-be-on-all-the-fucking-time attitude. The scene where he rips Jack McBrayer is weird; can’t tell if dude was in on the joke.

6. “Being Elmo: A Puppeteer’s Journey” (Constance Marks) *** ½ — Very cute. That song at the end really took me out of things though. Fuck that sucked.

7. “Marthy Marcy May Marlene” (Sean Durkin) *** ½ — Unnerving as fuck. Not the kind of thing you’d want to watch a million times. Also the head-scratcher ending kind of worked for me. Solid movie, really creepy; the Olsen sister is fantastic as this totally batshit ex-cult girl. Simmering fucking tension.

8. “Fast Five” (Justin Lin) *** ½ — Just a shit-ton of testosterone-fueled fun, a flashback to the universe of practical stunt effects-fueled adrenalized ’80s and ’90s action movies. I was so, so happy that Vin Diesel and The Rock were finally in a movie together. And Paul Walker does his best white-Keanu impression here. I have to say the whole Jordana Brewster pregnancy subplot was completely unnecessary to me. I liked it so much I didn’t mind the stupid-but-hot post-credits Eva Mendes cameo.

9. “The Ides of March” (George Clooney) *** ½ — Fun, taught, mildly predictable political potboiler. In line with the Diesel-Rock he-man match-up, this has two heavyweights (and I mean that in two ways) of neurotic sad fat-man acting here when usually one will do: Paul Giamatti vs. Philip Seymour Hoffman. I thought all the theatrical, adult language and taught dramatic scenes were cool. I think I can be really easy to please sometimes. The trailers I saw for it and reviews I read of it gave a lot away, so to a certain extent I could anticipate what was coming up, but I don’t think that was the movie’s fault. So assuming that it would not have been so obvious without blatant spoilers in the reviews and even the stupid trailer (although the trailer did have one pretty convincing third-act fake-out, thankfully, that ended up fooling me), I have to give the movie a lot of props. Obviously it’s a disillusioned Clooney’s railing against the idealistic bullshit campaign sloganeering of Democrats past and present, and it plays like a ’70s Redford political thriller a little, but I liked it and the rhythms of the office and the backstabbing and the layered triple-crossing of PSH and Giammatti. I liked their extensive use of the word “fuck” and Evan Rachel Wood’s flirting with Gosling was pretty hot. Plus, bonus, it looked awesome.

10. “Hugo” (Martin Scorsese) *** ½ — Cute as fuck. But in no way does this movie convince me that seeing movies in 3D is at all necessary or even, really, any better than seeing them in 2D.

11. “Bridesmaids” (Paul Feig) *** ½ — Really, really funny. Not a huge fan of the food poisoning fallout scene, but besides that, pretty on-point. Sick Wilson Philips reference at the end there, too.

12. “American Grindhouse” (Elijah Drenner) *** ½ — A super-fun doc. Kim Morgan and John Landis are standout interviewees. Also, John Landis seems to be available to do interviews about movies he had nothing to do with pretty much all the time, which is awesome ‘cause he’s the man. There are apparently a LOT of bikini-beach party ’60s movies that I have to watch now.

13. “Super 8” (JJ Abrams) *** — Overrated, but pretty fun until the 6th reel when it tried to wrap things up as quickly and with as little exposition as possible. The CG effects on the creature were thoroughly underwhelming, too, so that bummed me out. But up until then it had a great “ET”/“Close Encounters”/“Goonies” flavor, albeit with Kyle Chandler and a lot more lens flares. Good stuff.

14. “Take Shelter” (Jeff Nichols) *** — Kind of… deliberately paced, if you ask me (that’s a nice way of saying slow). It was kind of sweet and sad and scary all at once. One thing that bugged me — we know what the storm looks like by the end; why not cut right after either (a) the two shots where daughter Hannah makes the “storm” sign with her hands and Michael Shannon looks back and we see his face drop OR (b) the shot of Jessica Chastain at the window realizing what’s outside. We don’t need the thing with her being shocked by it and him intoning “Samantha” or the nodding between them or any of that. More restraint in that last scene would have been sicker. HOWEVS — really really good. Michael Shannon was fucking great. Usually in these movies it never seems like the hero is holding onto anything rational or trying to actively fix his problem, but here they make that the entire crux of the issue — him being intensely focused on righting these visions with his therapy is huge for this. Also all the stuff about money being tight and all the understatement with which the real world scenes were handled was tight.

15. “Midnight in Paris” (Woody Allen) *** — Also overrated. It was pleasant, frothy and fun, a nice summer excursion for intellectuals, but its showy caricatures of Hemingway, Dali and the Fitzgeralds felt a little too one-note to be anything beyond, well, showy caricatures. The only fully realized characters in the piece were Owen Wilson’s conflicted screenwriter and Marion Cotillard’s hot retro-time-traveling adventurer; Rachel McAdams was the world’s cutest shrew, but still ultimately just a one-note foil for Wilson, and Michael Sheen’s foppish professor was like a Cliff’s Notes variation on the foppish professor character in earlier, better Allen movies (specifically, “Manhattan”). I like my Woody Allen with more nuance. I know it sounds like I’m ripping this innocuous little desert of a movie to shreds, but I’m a pretty big fan of post-ScarJo Woody (i.e. anything from “Match Point” to the present), in addition to his ’70s and ’80s stuff, so and I guess I just got pissed off when people said it was his best movie in decades. ‘Cause they’re fucking wrong.

16. “The Muppets” (James Bobin) *** — Just cute as fuck. Button-level cute. The new Muppet, Walter, was my least favorite Muppet of all time… Until his adorable late-third act “Muppet talent” was revealed. He’s still lower-echelon, but more acceptable now. Amy Adams is really hot. I mean, I was aware of this before, but seeing her just effortlessly glow hotness in a relatively chaste puppet musical confirmed my suspicions that’s she sneakily mega-hot.

17. “Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows” (Guy Ritchie) *** — Not quite as fun and fresh as the first, but still pretty fun, and with a much, much better baddie in Jared (son of Richard) Harris’ Moriarty. There was still a little too much plot that I couldn’t have given less of a shit about, but the stuff with Mycroft and all the Holmes-Watson stuff rebranded in this kind of kinetic Guy Ritchie action movie way totally works for me. I know some Holmes fans aren’t into it, but I was, and I know my Sherlock Holmes.

18. “Moneyball” (Bennett Miller) *** — Fun, but upon further reflection, I couldn’t get past that stupid song from the Gap commercials being used as Brad Pitt’s daughter’s theme song. Pitt as the maverick GM and Jonah Hill as the trailblazing stats nerd were solid, Philip Seymour Hoffman grunted his way through a role where he really wasn’t given much to do in Steven Zaillian and Aaron Sorkin’s solid script, but it was fun to see a really well-paced, well-shot baseball movie made right. We haven’t had a lot of those in this decade, so that was certainly appreciated. Good stuff. 

19. “The Artist” (Michel Hazanavicius) *** ½ — Best Picture of the Year? Well, no. BUT certainly a really fun, cute movie, and a wonderful conceit to film and pace and frame a movie as if it was a (virtual) silent picture. I got mega-sad when Jean Dujardin was contemplating suicide there at the end, so it was certainly effective.

20. “Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol” (Brad Bird) *** — Also a little overrated. BUT still, pretty fun. Although the baddie was dull. But I’m really happy they scaled back on all the fucking masks they got so into in the first two “Mission” movies (I skipped the third). Brad Bird can stage the fuck out of a building climbing scene. Tom Cruise still looks about 30, which is kind of a free advertisement for the benefits of Scientology, I guess.

21. “Rango” (Gore Verbinski) *** — Pretty much “Chinatown” with lizards. 

22. “The Help” (Tate Taylor) *** — I was dreading seeing this movie and getting sucked in by its Hallmark hokum. And then I saw it, and, well… Kind of got sucked in by its Hallmark hokum. It was really pretty well made from a technical perspective, and while Octavia Spencer’s performance felt like a sassy stereotype, Viola Davis was great, as were the three gingers (although Jessica Chastain played a blonde to break things open a little bit). It’s weird seeing Sissy Spacek and Mary Steenburgen be relegated to what pretty much amount as walk-on cameos while Allison Janney gets to play a pivotal part. 

23. “Pearl Jam Twenty” (Cameron Crowe) *** — I really wanted more details about their second decade, I felt like it really skimped on a lot of elements — especially pertaining to, oh, I dunno, the second decade of the “20” equation and the future of the music industry and Pearl Jam’s transition to releasing their music independently and the three studio albums after “Binaural” (which, admittedly, are not nearly as good as “Binaural,” but still it’s important in the band’s chronology to talk about them, just like it’s important to acknowledge “Lick It Up,” “Animalize,” “Asylum” and “Hot in the Shade” in the KISS discography. But in terms of really getting a sense of the personalities of at least Jeff Ament, Stone Gossard and Eddie Vedder (Crowe also didn’t get nearly enough insight from Mike McCready and Matt Cameron, for my taste anyway), I thought it provided fans with a shit ton of that. As a PJ fan I could fill in the historical gaps that Crowe left in his documenting, but I doubt most could make some of the leaps he just assumes you make in bridging certain stones in the band’s history he leaves unturned.

24. “Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy” (Tomas Alfredson) *** — Another, ahem, deliberately paced movie, with a distractingly under-lit digital sheen that totally was at odds with its ’70s decor. Ciaran Hinds, Colin Firth, Toby Stephens and Gary Oldman were all pretty great, but I thought Tom Hardy was miscast (and that wig was fucking obnoxious) in a pretty pivotal role. Also, finally, Mark Strong was used correctly in a movie. 

25. “The Last Rites of Joe May” (Joe Maggio) *** — Dennis Farina was wonderful and touching as the title character, a low-rent grifter down to his last $400-ish who tries to do the right thing by his makeshift family, played by Jamie Anne Allman and Meredith Droeger, after a life of failure as a father and husband. Ian Barford is given the thankless role of antagonizing, lady-beating corrupt-cop boyfriend, and just chews as much scenery as he can with the little time he is given. I went to the premiere for this at CIFF and fucking BILLY ZANE was there. But he is, sadly, not in this movie. 

26. “13 Assassins” (Takashi Miike) *** — Brutal and slick, but kind of lacked a middle act, and sort of plodding in its first half before things pick up with the flaming cows and the epic sword fights and etc. 

27. “Captain America” (Joe Johnston) *** — Way, way better than I was expecting it to be. Thoroughly and shamelessly predictable, but also efficiently and excitingly told, and exceptionally well-cast in the supporting roles (Chris Evans was serviceable but wholly expendable as the title he-man), from Tommy Lee Jones to Hugo Weaving to Hayley Atwell. A lot like Johnston’s own “The Rocketeer” actually, but with retro-1940s pulp chic as opposed to retro-1930s pulp chic.

28. “Shame” (Steve McQueen) *** — I’m only ranking it this high and giving it this many stars because of the excessive hot sex, plus the totally undersold Carey Mulligan full frontal scene that I feel like is sadly brushed over in the court of public opinion. That is a hell of a snatch, and no one seems interested in giving it the time of day when Michael Fassbender’s business is all up on the screen. This makes no sense to me. But then again, I am not the target audience for said Fassbender business. Anyway, Carey Mulligan’s super hot, I guess is what I’m saying. But to the movie itself — I think a lot of its quiet, deliberate intensity is cool in fits and starts, but it wears on you for a while when that is the only tone the movie strikes. It’s gorgeously shot by Sean Bobbitt, and gamely performed by Fassbender, Mulligan and Nicholas Badge Dale as Fassbender’s creepy boss. The creepy incest overtones and Fassbender’s compulsive behavior are the most interesting elements here; I just wish the movie was shorter. Way shorter. And that its frustratingly vague allusions to the childhood traumas experienced by Fassbender and Mulligan’s sibling character were a little less so. I dunno. Still solid.

29. “Rio” (Carlos Saldanha) *** — Unexpectedly fun, hampered by a save-the-rainforest edge but still taut and cute. The central Jesse Eisenberg blue macaw continues the DreamWorks tradition of adorable neurotic Jewish protagonists along the lines of Ben Stiller’s lion and Woody Allen’s ant — although, of course, “Rio” is from Fox. So never mind.

30. “The Conspirator” (Robert Redford) ** ½ — Boring. But well cast, and I’m kind of a sucker for Redford behind-the-scenes-politicking flicks. 

31. “The Descendants” (Alexander Payne)  ** ½ — Totally overrated. Just, you know, not much there. It was fine, but certainly it didn’t deserve six Academy Award nominations. It lacked any pervasive, unique wit or character, and essentially was a more stoic, Alexander Payne-ified variation on the “Terms of Endearment” weepie, but you know, not that sad. Also boasted a voice-over that was so gratingly explicative Payne himself even apparently got fed up with it and dropped the device for the movie’s second half. George Clooney should have gotten nominated for his corrupt angle-working politician in “The Ides of March,” a much more interesting movie, if, yes, not exactly surprising in its revelatory moments (what famous politician has not fucked his interns at this point in our history?).

32. “Friends with Benefits” (Will Gluck) ** ½ — Dug the sex banter stuff, the explicit nature of that element of the humor worked well; not so into the standard conflict-stoking plot elements, where characters have to develop contrived reasons to reject each other to make the inevitable reunion at the end feel like they earned it. But, really, they didn’t. Regardless, this was fun and frothy and ultimately pleasant and painless. I doubt I would be able to say the same after watching “No Strings Attached.”

33. “Tree of Life” (Terrence Malick) ** ½ — The first time I watched it, I was more or less absorbed, although its rambling plotlessness and only mildly watchable creation-of-the-universe and dead-people-on-a-beach sequences certainly got to me even in an initial viewing. The second time, though, man, was it unbearable. So this rating and ranking reflect the combination of those two viewing experiences.

34. “Contagion” (Steven Soderbergh) ** — Lifeless, dull, clinically if disinterestedly photographed, a total waste of Matt Damon. Although, to award credit where credit is due, “Contagion” did make me wash my hands a lot more in the ensuing few days after I watched it. So it’s got that going for it.

35.“Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2” (David Yates) ** — It was not the worst “Harry Potter” movie. Does that mean that it deserves an Academy Award nomination for Best Picture? Fuck no. Why the fuck did I see relentless Hollywood Reporter “For Your Consideration In All Categories” advertisements for the seventh sequel in the biggest series in history basically merely lauding it for the “accomplishment” of ending said series? Maybe the line between “good” and “successful” has been blurred so far beyond recognition by the unyielding stream of shameless dreck that’s come out from the majors this year (in the last 10-15 years, really) that critics and pundits have begun to confuse the two. But I’m not about to do that. Fuck “Harry Potter” movies. I’ve seen all of them, first as a 14 year-old fan and finally as a 23 year-old boyfriend making a movie-choice concession because I just wanted to see a movie; and fuck are they dumb.

36. “The Trip” (Michael Winterbottom) ** — I can’t give any movie that put me to sleep in the middle too much cred; it may have made for a cute trailer, but fuck was it boring.

37. “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part I” (Bill Condon) ** — Fuck you, I didn’t leave the room when my sister put this on. THAT’S THE ONLY REASON I SAW THIS. So let the record show that I DID NOT PAY MONEY TO SEE THIS MOVIE. It wasn’t quite as bad as the last one? Some cool gore, actually. The shitty werewolf effects were disguised more with lighting and more minimal shot selection.

38. “Meek’s Cutoff” (Kelly Reichardt) * ½ — Suck it, Kelly Reichardt fans. And yes, I actually liked “Wendy and Lucy” (2009) a lot. But this is a different movie. And only slightly more captivating than watching paint dry. Surprisingly, it boasts a very stellar cast: Will Patton and Michelle Williams return from “Wendy,” plus Paul Danno, Zoe Kazan, and Bruce Greenwood. But it doesn’t even make a semblance of a difference. So fucking boring. Holy fuck. I did watch the whole thing, just to make sure. And, yes, still boring.

39. “Cowboys and Aliens” (Jon Favreau) * — Another movie that put me to sleep about halfway through. True, it was a midnight screening, but I think if the movie was any good it would have kept me awake and engaged. I think the worst thing a movie can be, ever, is boring. Being stupid is a forgivable sin in some instances. Here in the case of “Cowboys and Aliens,” however, the movie is irredeemably both stupid and boring. Chris Gonzalez loved this.

40. “Horrible Bosses” (Seth Gordon) 0 stars — In the interest of full disclosure: I could only finish 77 minutes of this incomprehensibly, shamelessly stupid piece of shit, but I’m pretty sure that’s all I need to say that it is the shittiest piece of shit that I’ve seen that’s come out this year. Now, granted, I skipped “Transformers 3,” “Pirates of the Caribbean 4,” ”No Strings Attached,” “The Green Lantern,” “Zookeeper,” ”The Green Hornet,” “Cars 2,” or “Jack and Jill.” But do I have to see those movies to confirm that they suck? No. Back to “Horrible Bosses” — it’s a film so painfully and grotesquely unfunny that it makes you want to rip out all your internal organs and run them through the nearest shredder just to feel something real. Fuck everyone affiliated with this heinous “Strangers On A Train”/“Throw Momma From The Train” rip-off. Yet another in a long line of horrible scripts Jennifer Aniston has enacted, pointlessly wasting her great natural comedic timing and general hotness once again. I haven’t seen “The Good Girl,“ but let’s assume that’s pretty solid, so that would make a grand total of three quality movies Jennifer Aniston has appeared in (the others being “Office Space” and “The Break-Up,“ which, you know, actually wasn’t that bad).

Top 5 Worst Action/Thriller Movie Couples of All Time

Just to set the fucking record straight.

5.  Johnny Depp-Angelina Jolie, “The Tourist” (‘10)

A fat, bloated man who stopped giving a fuck about the quality of his resume so he could buy more private islands for his children (because, really, you can never have too many private islands) and an anoxeric woman who collects babies like other people collect stamps (because, really, you can never have too many children) play two characters who… I can’t even be bothered to recall what they were supposed to do in that movie. So bad.

4. Pierce Brosnan-Denise Richards, “The World Is Not Enough” (1999)

Denise Richards as a nuclear physicist who struggles pronouncing “nuclear” correctly: not the savviest casting decision from the Bond producers.

3. Tom Cruise-Kelly McGillis, “Top Gun” (1986)

An overtly gay guy and a lesbian! A perfect match!

2. Roger Moore-Grace Jones, “A View To A Kill” (1985)

An effete old guy and a lesbian! A perfect match!

1. Anne Heche-Harrison Ford, “Six Days Seven Nights” (1999)

A grumpy old guy and a lesbian! A perfect match!

BONUS JONAS -

6. Jake Lloyd-Natalie Portman, ”Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace” (1999)

Yes, they were supposed to hint at being a couple in the next movie. And yes, they failed miserably, probably because it’s hard for a 16 year-old who looks like this to feign sexual interest in a 9 year-old who looks like this. Apparently, if said 9 year-old looked more like this, the aforementioned 16 year-old may have taken more of a shine to him. 

Haters will probably notice that, with two exceptions (#’s 3 and 5), I have highlighted couples with ages in their midst (i.e. at least one person in the couple) that span far beyond the standard Hollywood movie hero couple age range. Haters will probably say that, you know, I have an “age-ist” bias, and that I think every major movie couple should be between the ages of 20-30. Well actually yes, yes I do. Except Michael Douglas. He can fuck whoever he wants (whomever?).

Like, oh, I don’t know, her.

Al Pacino’s Top 10 Most Gratuitous Overacting Moments

It’s funny, there was a time, not so long ago, when Al Pacino and Robert De Niro were genuinely considered to be the greatest actors in the world. And now Al Pacino is batshit and Robert De Niro is borderline comatose.

10. “I WANT HIM DEAD,” “Dick Tracy” (1990) - Now granted, the whole movie is one big overacting extravaganza (except, inexplicably, for the bizarre under-acting performances of producer-director-star Warren Beatty and Dustin “Mumbles” Hoffman), but I thought Al Pacino’s Big Boy Caprice was an especially egregious caricature. In no way was he an intimidating or even mildly threatening villain. In fact, he just seemed like a militant yayo freak (which, you’ll discover, is a recurrent trend across several other Al Pacino performances). 

9. “NOW WHADDYA GONNA DO?,” “Any Given Sunday” (1999) - What could have been, in the hands of a more typically understated geriatric coach performance (e.g. Kurt Russell, Billy Bob Thornton, fucking Will Patton), just your standard inspirational pump-up speech, here becomes a grotesquely distorted, cocaine-drenched Al Pacino commentary on the whole NATURE of the inspirational speech. Pacino here is breaking the inspirational sports coach speech down into its most fundamental microcosmic state, then reassembling it into something entirely too hilarious to be taken seriously. Totally takes you out of the (admittedly kind of shitty) movie.

8. Seductive Latin Dance, “The Devil’s Advocate” (1997) - NOBODY DANCES LIKE THAT, AL PACINO. WHY ARE YOU STICKING YOUR TONGUE OUT LIKE YOU’RE PERFORMING CUNNILINGUS? THAT IS COMPLETELY GRATUITOUS. You’re 57 years old at this point, Al Pacino. Fucking 57. Gross, dude.

7. “Just when I thought I was out — THEY PULL ME BACK IN!,” “The Godfather Part III” (1990) - The man has never met a line he couldn’t yell.

6. “ATTICA! ATTICAAAA!,” “Dog Day Afternoon” (1975) - Poor guy was just robbing a bank to pay for his boyfriend’s sex-change operation. Could happen to anybody.

5. “HOO-AH,” “Scent of a Woman” (1992) - He won a fucking Oscar for this. 

4. “SAY GOODNIGHT TO THE BAD GUY,” “Scarface” (1983) - JU NEED PEOPLE LIKE ME.

3. “WHO ARE YOU CARRYING ALL THOSE BRICKS FOR ANYWAY?,” “The Devil’s Advocate” (1997) - Taylor Hackford knew what he was getting himself into when he wrote this monologue. Fucking hilarious.

2. “GIMME ALL YA GOT!,” “Heat” (1995) - See, in the scene, Al Pacino is trying to freak out his criminal informant, so he’s screaming and being weird to keep him on edge. But still, this is fucking superfluous, Al Pacino.

1. “‘Cause she’s got a GREAT ASS,” “Heat” (1995) - Not really sure what to say for this one that isn’t said in the clip. Again, I doubt any other actor not on a whole boatload of illicit substances would have decided that yelling half of the lines in this scene would be the emotionally authentic choice. But, then, again, I doubt that Al Pacino was not on a whole boatload of illicit substances.

Really Brutal New Film Criticism Article

Sheer and Unfettered Brutality In Its Purest and Most Elemental Form

Okay, so maybe it’s just a “Color of Money” article I wrote for Bright Lights Film Journal. But still. It’s cool.

Top 10 2Pac Songs Of All Time

Just like with the Biggie list, it’s important to note straight away that I am totally discrediting all posthumously recorded 2Pac albums, mainly because they were, you know, fucking POSTHUMOUSLY RECORDED AND PAC’S VERSES WERE JUST MIXED IN TO THEM LATER. There are some casualties, however, expressly because 2Pac’s flow was so fucking tight: “Do For Love,” off of the second album released following his death, “R U Still Down? (Remember Me)” and “Hail Mary” off of the first, “The 7 Day Theory: Don Killuminati.” I’d probably include “Do For Love” at #10 on this list if I had included posthumous 2Pac albums, for the record. He was way more prolific than his East Coast counterpart, and he was also the greatest rapper of all time, so this list was pretty fucking hard. 

10. “St8 Ballin’” — One of the more classic old-school harder edged 2Pac songs, with a raw sleekness that only someone who’s really a straight baller could produce.

9. “Brenda’s Got A Baby” — 2Pac was great at these street-pulpit type cuts, where he would depict a reliably depressing East LA slice-of-life moment with poignancy and tact. 

8. “Ratha Be Ya N****” — From here on out, the rest of the songs on this list are strictly All Eyez on Me tracks, because his final album was just that good. Really, there is not a wrong note struck on the whole fucking enterprise, save for a misguided remix of “California Love.” “Rather Be Ya N****” is 2Pac’s blatant ode to the perpetuity of fuck-buddies, to wit: “I don’t wanna be your man, I wanna be your n****.” Well fucking said, bro.

7. “Only God Can Judge Me” — Where Biggie was more of an internalizing manic depressive as he took stock of his life, 2Pac had a more petulant edge, as “Only God Can Judge Me” can attest to. Although the main reason it’s on this list is because it boasts a sick bass line and one of the best angry-2Pac raps ever.

6. “2 Of Amerikaz Most Wanted” — Snoop Dogg, another West Coat early-’90s staple and the Karl Malone of rap (i.e. always very good, never great), makes a solid cameo here, but really, the swagger and the style of this epic deep cut are all 2Pac’s. When they tell you their adversaries crumble, you fucking believe it. 2Pac’s speed in his delivery is significantly undervalued, but he gets a chance to show off his fluidity and his natural showmanship. The best reading is “It ain’t nothin’ but a motherfuckin’ gangster party.” So fucking tits.

5. “All About U” — Another really great sample, this one speeds up “Candy” by Cameo (all 2Pac’s sample songs, by the way, are perfect soundtracks for driving down the 405 or Reseda Boulevard with a massive blunt).

4. “Run Tha Streetz” — This is a really awesome summer-tinged jam, with a ridiculously cool melody over which 2Pac rocks a casually relaxed flow. I can just imagine sitting on a beach with a boom box in 1996 while this blares over the speakers.

3. “Picture Me Rollin’” — The ultimate 2Pac kiss-off, “Picture Me Rollin’” is a furious rant against the Clinton Correctional Facilities, the feds, the D.A., and anyone who ever doubted that ‘Pac would be “flossin’ a Benz with rims that isn’t stolen.” A really choice work-out song.

2. “Thug Passion” — One of the most graphic pop choruses of all time, plus it’s just the weirdest incorporation of a “Computer Love” sample that’s humanly possible. You will not be able to get it out of your head, ever, and may even catch yourself singing the hilariously unsubtle chorus out loud by a copier at some point during the work week. And you will be thoroughly flustered.

1. “How Do U Want It” — The ultimate 2Pac song is, of course, about fucking. Because 2Pac loved fucking more than he loved talking about being bad-ass. Which is to be expected. That being said, “How Do U Want It” (featuring K-Ci and Jo-Jo) is the most bad-ass fucking-themed song of all time, in that 2Pac’s delivery is loaded with swagger and bravado and unleashed at an unrelenting pace. Let me also point out that the best thing about 2Pac is that a lot of the time he avoids contemporary pop culture references — yes, he does talk about his hatred for Biggie (frequently), but he doesn’t fall back on random word-associative references to movies, TV and personalities that have no connection his music, unlike a shit-ton of contemporary rappers (like all of them). When he speaks to the then-presidential candidates, it is a pointedly delivered direct address: “Bill Clinton/Mr. Bob Dole/You too old to understand the way the game is told.” He is actually saying something about them, not using their names because they are familiar to listeners which is, again, a horribly common trope in popular hip-hop today.

Bonus List:

The Top 5 Greatest Hip Hop Artists of All Time -

5. Jay Z — Sure, he’s fallen back to earth some lately, but you can’t knock the hustle (ahem) of fucking Reasonable Doubt. The Blueprint and The Black Album are his other watershed releases, and then a notch below them you’ve got to rep it for the American Gangster soundtrack mainly because “Ignorant Shit” is a kick-ass song.

4. Wu Tang Clan  — They may have peaked with their first album, Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers), but they have sustained a level of consistent quality unmatched among all their rap-group contemporaries save, of course, the #3 artist on this list. “Da Mystery of Chessboxin’” is the coolest fucking New York track of all time. That’s it.

3. Nicki Minaj — I’m just kidding! Just kidding, calm down. Jesus. It was a fucking joke. You’ve really got an impulse control problem. Fucking… Yikes.

I just wanted to see if you were paying attention. No, my actual #3 is… 

3. Bone Thugz N Harmony — Obviously, I had to dock them points for everything after BTNH Resurrection.Solo Bizzy Bone is really tits as well, stand-out solo Bizzy Bone songs include “Father” and “Nobody Can Stop Me.” Clearly Bizzy and Krayzie are the standouts. Bone Thugz are so 1997core it’s ridiculous. Their best song is obviously “Thuggish Ruggish Bone,” then probably “Mo’ Murda.” They’re just intense as fuck. I don’t know what else to say, except that I love them very much and they are clearly the only thing you’re supposed to listen to when you get high.

2. The Notorious B.I.G. — He of course has been covered in a prior Listcore. But just to sum up: Biggie and 2Pac were the best primarily because of their flows and their samples, so when money-grubbing producers laid down unapproved beats beneath heretofore unreleased freestyles by both artists and packaged them as “new songs,” that was an inherent disservice to what made both of them great. Biggie and 2Pac, unlike every other hip hop Hall of Famer on this list, actually improved with age, as each peaked with their final albums. 2Pac’s double album is just way better.

1. 2Pac — Is ranking 2Pac above Biggie really a matter of preference? Fuck no. 2Pac has, by far, the best samples and the strongest verses of any rapper in history. Yes, Biggie’s actual vocalizations provide a thicker, more distinctive flow that will never be duplicated again, but 2Pac was no slouch in the flow department himself.

If Nas had died after “Illmatic,” he’d be on this list, too. But he didn’t. Good for Nas, bad for his place in the annals of hip hop.

Also, I think I know exactly what you want to ask me right now: Alex, if Val Kilmer’s really your #1 Sickest Actor of All Time, then shouldn’t it follow that 50 Cent at least make the cut on your list of the Top 5 Hip Hop Artists of All Time? Please witness exhibits (a), (b) and (c) of their endearing direct-to-video friendship. 

To which I would respond: 50 Cent is legit, but the only Listcore-level 50 Cent cuts are “Window Shopper” and “Hustler’s Ambition” off of the Get Rich or Die Tryin’ soundtrack album, and two songs alone do not a Listcore Top 5 entrant make. My apologies to Val Kilmer.

Top 10 Notorious B.I.G. Songs Of All Time

Obviously, there is another Top 10 that must happen as a direct result of this Top 10, since this list covers the best work of the man who amounts to being merely the SECOND greatest rapper of all time.

Yes, he only ever released two albums that he was actually alive for. No, I am not going to extend this list to encompass any of the content of the two shitty celeb-collaboration albums featuring half-finished Biggie raps, since there’s no way that you can actually call them legit Biggie albums (ditto for the first greatest rapper of all time). 

10.  “Hypnotize” —  Classic party song, still righteous in whatever context it’s played. I can’t believe the song itself is 14 years old. Ridiculous sepia-toned video too. 

9. “Suicidal Thoughts”  — “Suicidal Thoughts,” “Ready to Die,” and “Everyday Struggle” are part of what I would call the Biggie “suicide trifecta” on the “Ready to Die” album, the Notorious B.I.G.’s debut full-length. “Suicidal Thoughts” resolves the arc of the album with a bullet to the head delivered to our narrator, by our narrator, and paves the way for Biggie’s resurrection storyline on the aptly-titled “Life After Death” follow-up album. Biggie’s pretty obvious manic depression was writ large all over every song he penned, but never spelled out more clearly than they were here.

8. “Gimme The Loot” — Instantly hummable bank-robbing track. Biggie’s scope was always more low-rent than 2Pac’s, in terms of pure storytelling focus. 2Pac was talking about grand drug dealing schemes and “ki’s from overseas” (in “Picture Me Rollin’”), whereas the Notorious B.I.G.’s goals are much more modest, as he explains in “Gimme The Loot:” ”When it’s time to eat a meal I rob and steal.” That’s not a qualitative dis against either party, just another interesting difference between the two.

7. “Warning” — This song is famous as fuck, and the video is a resplendent ’90s gangster-ization of the end of “Scarface.” An early-career highlight (not that he had much of a later career highlight, but still).

6. “I Love The Dough” — Another song hailing from the stable of bad-ass gangster Biggie tracks, “I Love The Dough” features a stellar cameo from a young-and-hungry Jay-Z, who absolutely kills it (in tandem with Biggie) on this raucous cut about cards, money, and being awesome. Biggie was always tasteful with his guest appearances, and especially prescient in selecting Jay-Z and Bone Thugz, specifically, since they were very much the next phase in quality hip-hop post-Biggie/Pac.

5. “Miss You” — In combination with the #4 song in this ranking, “Miss You” makes for a powerful one-two punch to open things up on the second disc of “Life After Death,” standing in stark contrast to the song that immediately precedes it on the disc (again, the #4 song in this ranking) as one of the soft, bummed-out Biggie songs that minimizes Biggie’s self-loathing, depressive anxieties in favor of a more outward-looking attitude, as he mourns and cherishes the friends he’s lost to street violence. A classic R & B hook in the background cements this one’s status as an overlooked Biggie gem.

4. “Notorious Thugs” — Biggie’s technical verbal prowess as a speed-rapper cannot be denied here, as he matches up verse-for-verse against some of the fastest stoners in rap history in Bone Thugz N Harmony, who guest on the track. I’m kind of astonished there haven’t been any awesome gangster/mobster/hit man movie that fully capitalized on the excessive greatness of this song.

3. “Juicy” — I’d say this, more than anything else, is Biggie’s best radio hit. My biggest qualm with “Big Poppa” is that it doesn’t even sample the best part of the Isley Brothers’ 3rd-best song, “In Between The Sheets” (which is sampled to great effect by Jay-Z in “Ignorant Shit” on the American Gangster album). “Juicy” has a Brooklyn summertime vibe that gives it an instant nostalgia-inducing luster. Fucking sick.

2. “Sky’s The Limit” — Biggie had some sick samples, as “Sky’s The Limit,” where Biggie raps over a Bobby Caldwell track, definitively proves. Greatest Hype Williams video of all time, bonus. Lyrically, it’s pretty inspirational-core, which does wear thin eventually on the Life After Death double-album proper but completely works here.

1. “Everyday Struggle” — A profoundly affecting song that goes to the heart of Biggie’s angst: here is a man wrestling with the life he has led and the choices he has made. A gorgeous melody and sparse beat lay the foundation for a truly superior rhyme. Top fucking notch.

Top 5 Pop Culture Mustaches of All Time

Let me just preface this list by saying that I am only interested in ranking mustaches without any other kind of facial hair. I know there are mustache-growth contests and absurd-ass mustaches out there and those waxed hipster mustaches and shit, but this is my list, and I’m focused solely on burly mancore mustaches that forego any of the bells and whistles that may be available to them (like mustache wax). Also, I figured to it made sense to pare the pool down to only pop cultural mustaches, so any solid burly mancore non-famous mustaches were automatically disqualified from these rankings.

5. Gene Hackman — Now granted, Hackman didn’t always have it. Sometimes he didn’t have it in some of his best movies, like “Superman” (1978), “Hoosiers” (1986), and “The French Connection”  (1971). Sometimes he didn’t have his mustache for “Welcome to Mooseport” (2004), his wretched final screen performance (at least, as of this writing). BUT if you’re talking “The Conversation” (1974) or “Night Moves”  (1975) or “The Royal Tenenbaums” (2001) or the all-time greatest mustache movie ever, “A Bridge Too Far” (1977, and featuring mustaches from Hackman, Connery, Caine, Hopkins, and Olivier, among many, many, many others),  then you’re talking a signature Hackman mustache. You just knew that in any movie where he shaved it, he wasn’t having quite as much fun — I swear, there are moments in all of his good non-mustachioed movie roles where you can sense a feeling of unrest atop his upper lip, as if just beneath the surface, traces of a mustache are just begging to pop out. I’m sure he could grow that fucker in like two days, so on weekend breaks for his non-mustache flicks, he’d let his freak-flag fly, mustache-wise. Then come Monday morning, he’d look at the mustache in the bathroom mirror, sob uncontrollably, and finally collect himself just enough to whisper “I’m so sorry” very softly to his mustache while he shaved it off his face.

4. Adolf Hitler — HAH. No, not really. His mustache was a genocide-propagating racist psycho. Just like the fucking rest of him. Just making sure you were paying attention. I guess if I really wanted to feature the Hitler ‘stache inoffensively, I’d have put Charlie Chaplin here. But I really hate that particular mustache.

4. Tom Selleck — The Selleck mustache is one hell of a thing. I may not agree with the man’s politics, acting choices, or the parts of his face that aren’t covered by said mustache, but shit if that upper-lip-blanketing hair cluster isn’t fucking glorious.

3. Burt Reynolds — Burt Reynolds’ mustache has always had a squirrel-tail-level bushiness and a practically caterpillar-esque width across the scope of his face. It probably reached its zenith when it had the salt-and-paper texturing best highlighted in “Boogie Nights” (1997), before he started just dying it an unsettling off-gray shade when it’s clearly just white at this point. 

2. Sean Connery — He never looked good with a mustache, but did that stop Sean Connery from having a particularly obnoxious one for virtually all post-Bond performances in a foolhardy attempt to distract from his male pattern baldness, which post-Bond he freely acknowledged? No. Not at all. Is his mustache coming in at #2 on this list the case simply by virtue of its belonging to Sean Connery? Yes. Yes, absolutely. Also, the mustache-as-baldness-cover-up is completely unnecessary, since Connery looks cool bald anyway.

1. Mike Ditka — If you’re going to wear tinted Aviators and a mustache, you may as well have a killer sweater vest. Greatest mustache of all time. Bar fucking none. Essentially, that mustache has ensured that Mike Ditka has looked about 55 for the past 30 years. Miraculous.

Top 5 Arquette Performances

Other performing Arquettes include Richmond, Alexis (formerly Robert), and their uncle Cliff. None of them have been in anything good, either. So really this is just a Patricia-Rosanna-off (with one David performance thrown in there to rep it for dicks). Rosanna, for the record, at her ’80s peak, was way hotter and more popular than Patricia (the 2nd-most popular all-time Arquette sibling) ever was, BUT Patricia had a pretty incredible early ’90s run. Then again, Patricia never inspired anything quite this brilliant.

1. Rosanna, Marcy Franklin in “After Hours” (1985) - Rosanna plays a really fucking bizarre character, the histrionic druggie babe that our young hero, Griffin Dunne, is trying to casually bed in this, the 2nd-greatest of New York ’80s coke flicks (the first one begins with “Wall” and ends with “Street”). An Arquette has never been hotter.

2. Patricia, Alabama Whitman in “True Romance” (1993) - As Quentin Tarantino and Tony Scott’s ideal Hooker With A Heart Of Gold, Patricia played this weirdly sweet and wild Bonnie Parker-lite figure opposite Christian Slater’s dimwitted Gen X riff on Clyde Barrow (fused, as always, with a little too much Jack Nicholson) to perfection. Best scene: A terrifying encounter with a very svelte young James Gandolfini, as a vengeful mob enforcer. One of them dies. And it’s fucking awesome.

3. Patricia, Kathy O’Hara in “Ed Wood” (1994) - As the eponymous Johnny Depp character’s cute sweater vest-knitting, transvestitism-approving girlfriend, Patricia knocked this one out of the park in probably her single hottest role (her aforementioned Hooker With A Heart Of Gold in “True Romance” felt a little too damaged to reach her full hottie potential). She proves definitively that black and white may just be her most flattering colors.

4. Rosanna, Jody in “Pulp Fiction” (1994) - Although it’s little more than a two-scene cameo, Rosanna rocked it as Eric Stoltz’s hard-partying, smack-dabbling, multiple-piercings-coated girlfriend. Her best line: A reaction to the Quentin Tarantino Dream Babe (Uma Thurman) coming to after a heroin OD — “That was fucking trippy.” A truer sentence was never spoken, Rosanna Arquette.

5. David, Carter in “Airheads” (1994) - I was going to put Rosanna’s performance as Hannah in “Silverado” (1985) here ’cause that’s a far superior movie. But really, she was barely in it (her role was trimmed significantly in post, since it was basically entirely superfluous to the movie’s plot). And David Arquette, although he is barely in “Airheads,” made probably his best impression on moviegoers here, as a brain-dead radio programmer (that is not a compliment to David Arquette).

What’s that? You want me to rank the Arquette siblings, you say? FUCKING FINE. I’m not ranking Uncle Cliff, though.

1. Rosanna - Pretty fucking self-explanatory. For further help, please watch “After Hours” about a million times.

2. Patricia - Why is she below Rosanna? Because Toto rules. But, very much unlike Rosanna, Patricia is still pretty great-looking today.

3. David - He is only ranked this high because I have apparently seen the other two Arquettes in a bunch of movies and neither sibling has made any kind of impression on me whatsoever. Say what you will about David’s acting abilities, facial hair choices, and Courtney Cox-fucking, but you cannot deny that his stupid annoying face will forever ingrain itself into the deepest recesses of your skull after only one or two perfunctory “Scream” viewings. The same cannot be said for the ensuing Arquettes.

4. Alexis/Robert - Was in “Bride of Chucky” (1998). So… props to Alexis? Just in case you’re curious, this is what Alexis looks like. And this is what Robert looked like. Glad we could clear all that up.

5. Richmond - Has appeared in THREE of my favorite David Fincher films (“Se7en,” “Fight Club” and “Zodiac”). But, yeah, I don’t remember him being in them, either. Just in case you’re curious, this is what Richmond looks like. See if you can spot him in “Se7en,” I guess? Please only do this if you’re really, really bored and have already tried to spot Alexis in “Bride of Chucky,” obviously.

Top 10 Ironically Genius ’80s Songs

Really, I should just put 10 Toto songs on this list and be done with it. However, in the interest of parity, I have limited myself to ONLY ONE Toto/Phil Collins song per this list (Genesis songs don’t count as Phil Collins songs, thank goodness). But just know that if I had not made that choice, you’d be looking at a shit-ton of Toto cuts right now.

10. “Number One,” Chaz Jankel (1985) - The most urgent ’80s montage song short of a Rocky ’80s montage song (but so much more Kilmercore that it has the edge). For extra credit, watch the over-lit music video.

9. “Maneater,” Hall and Oates (1986) - All Hall and Oates songs are ironically genius ’80s songs, but this one is the very best.

8. “I Can’t Wait,” Nu Shooz (1985) - So awesome they still use its intro in basketball games, like, all the fucking time.

7. “What’s Love Got To Do With It?,” Tina Fucking Turner (1984) - For those of you who will be editing graphic animal torture-themed cinematic parables any time soon, I highly recommend using “What’s Love Got To Do With It” as the temp music track.

6. “Doing It All For My Baby,” Huey Lewis and the News (1987) - Now that we’re all so far removed from it, what the hell was the point of all those saxophone solos?

5. “The Way That You Use It,” Eric Clapton (1986) - Only to be played during intense pool-hustling montages. 

4. “Don’t Lose My Number,” Phil Collins (1986) - “In The Air Tonight” is classic Phil, obviously, but I think the emotional wallop laid out by Mr. Collins in this mildly dense narrative (I think Billie is breaking up with him, but he’s all like “BILLIE DON’T LOSE MY NUMBER” in case she wants to have casual sex with him later? I could be wrong. I don’t know.) really just packs more of a punch. Plus nobody, anywhere, can rival the coked-out vacuity of the guitar solo in this one.

3. “Round and Round,” Ratt (1984) - If you go out to the Sunset Strip in Hollywood, even now, somewhere between the Whiskey-A-Go-Go and The Roxy, you will hear this song. And it will be glorious. Also, Ratt provided the single-greatest Behind the Music episode in history (I remember watching it in tandem with the Pantera Behind the Music when both premiered, and the qualitative difference between the two episodes was staggering, even though I actually like Pantera’s music).

2. “In Too Deep,” Genesis (1986) - This is one of those Phil Collins-solo-song-moonlighting-as-a-Genesis-song cuts, where Banks and Rutherford are just left in the dust as he tries to figure out how to resolve a “playing for keeps” relationship. Used expertly in the asshole-eating-out scene in “American Psycho.” For the record, Phil himself thought having his songs satirized in the movie and book was funny.

1. “Rosanna,” Toto (1982) - The textbook definition of soft rock, “Rosanna” is just one of several unlikely smash singles from the mustachioed and permed masterminds of Toto, who brought grotesquely misappropriated African beats and unnecessary lullaby-level whispering into the mainstream. All that being said, I dare you to listen to this song JUST ONCE and not have it stuck on an endless loop in your head for the rest of your life. It’s a sort of soft rock-induced PTSD, where you find yourself uncontrollably humming the keyboard solo when you’re out buying your snapped peas and you have to run out of the store without paying for them because you’re so upset. I mean trust me, this shit will fucking WRECK you.

A Top 10 Ironic ’90s Songs list is forthcoming, Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston may or may not be all over it.